I am a fair, blonde-haired, green-eyed white woman. Physically to the eyes of others, I am white. I, however, do not come from entirely white ancestry. As I grow and learn, I search for wisdom and guidance, I feel pulled in to connect to my ancestors. I am German, I am Norwegian, I am Welsh, I am British, I am Scottish, I am Métis, I am Icelandic, I am Cree. I am an array of origins, as my ancestors moved through the land, created life and rooted me into this existence. I hold Métis status. With pride. I have a connection to my Métis/Cree identity so strong I feel it in my bones. My blood carries within it a longing for teachings, the land, its wisdom and medicines. But I am white. I acknowledge that I hold privilege in my whiteness.
A large part of me feels cut off from my indigenous ancestry. That I don’t belong. Colonization has ruined so many things. I have learnt it through my family and broken ties to identity, Mental health issues, addiction, and abuse. I’ve learnt it in detail from professors in college. The history and the effects of colonialism. After classes in history, indigenous studies, and indigenous women’s studies I would sit in my car and cry. I would cry at the knowledge of what it meant to be Canadian on this stolen land. I would cry for my ancestor's stolen identity. And the ability to have teachings passed down from them into my generation. My Métis status has brought me to pow-wows, to sit among elders and explore what it means to hold status to be connected to the land, and to sit in a circle. It always confused me as a small girl. I never felt I belonged because of my whiteness.
My status was unknown until I was a young child as my grandad had kept it a secret. A Crumpled piece of paper terrified him. My Grandad had dark skin, dark eyes, and a past of terrors that made him ashamed of his status to put it upon our family. He felt he didn’t belong either. I've connected with my great, great grandmother who was full Cree. I've connected with her through meditations and her spirit comes to me with strong, determined eves. She comes to me in cougar spirit. She gives me encouragement and strength. To learn more. To keep asking questions. To understand what it means to belong in a world broken and cut from its roots. She gives me hope. That one day I will know what it means to feel a sense of belonging in this world.